The surgeon entered the room. A kind-faced, soft spoken Indian gentleman, he made sure to look me in the eye as he introduced himself. In a flurry of nerves, I thought he said his name was Dr. Kalamata, like the olive. I knew, then and there, that I’d be calling him Kalamata from here on in. Such is my brain.
His nurse stood by quietly, smiling in encouragement. Somehow, this was more disconcerting There was a stillness in the air. A muted quality that made me think of the way you would speak to a nervous mare who was about to bolt. Were they afraid I’d bolt? It hadn’t occurred to me until I sensed their careful efforts in my regard.
"Please take off your shirt and bra." Kalamata asked. For the tenth time that day, I took off my top. I should have just paraded from office to office without it. It would have saved me time.
He palpated my breast, yet again. I hadn’t been felt up as much since I was surrounded by a bunch of boys in Junior High. "We’re going to have to take a biopsy." He said.
"What? Now?" I said, trying not to sound panicked.
"Yes. The person that normally does the biopsies is not here today, so I will do it. We don’t want to wait." Why? Why not wait?
"Don’t worry. It won’t hurt." He continued.
"I’m a big chicken when it comes to pain." I said. "You’ll be fine. I can see you’re a smart woman, and in control. You’re not afraid of a small needle."
"Yes, I am. And that’s not a small needle...." He advanced toward me, needle held high. I did want to bolt then. Oh yes. I wanted to get out of Dodge, without my clothes. Breasts flapping in the wind, for all to see. I didn’t care. But the image made me laugh and that gave him time to pin me down. He was right. It didn’t hurt when he inserted it, but it did, when he dug around. Still, it was bearable. He showed me the slide after he prepared it. A bit of opaque liquid, between two pieces of glass. In there sat my destiny.
"Okay. Get dressed and come into my office." I looked over to the nurse who nodded in encouragement. The knot in my stomach tightened.
I saw my films on the light box, not that I had any experience with mammogram film. I walked right over to them. I saw the lump right away, and what I saw, I didn’t like. It had a starburst shape, without a definite margin. A comet tail seem to come out of it and stretch across the other side of my nipple. I didn’t know much, but I knew that not having a clear margin was bad.
I sat down. He looked at me and said, "We have to wait for the biopsy, but from what I see here, I think we need to move on this quickly."
"Based on your experience, does this look cancerous?" I asked.
"Of course, it’s not definite, but yes. It appears to be so. I’d like to schedule a mastectomy."
"Mastectomy? Why not a lumpectomy?"
"We have to remove too much tissue for a lumpectomy." He got up ans showed me on the film. He traced where he would have to traverse behind the nipple and how much would have to be removed. "We can schedule the surgery today, then if the biopsy comes back clean, we can cancel." I said nothing. "It’s always easy to cancel, but harder to schedule."
"Okay." I said. I would research this and decide, but as he said, I could always cancel later. He continued to explain. His tone was soothing. He told me that breast cancer, caught early, is eminently treatable, and not to worry too much. I would be fine.
I thanked him and stepped out of his office, right into Barbara, who was standing there with a strained look, trailing her document carry-all behind her. She must have come here straight from the city. She looked winded. Surprised, I greeted her and then hugged her. "C’mon. Let’s go. I’ll update you on the way home." And I did.
©2006 Annelise Pichardo
His nurse stood by quietly, smiling in encouragement. Somehow, this was more disconcerting There was a stillness in the air. A muted quality that made me think of the way you would speak to a nervous mare who was about to bolt. Were they afraid I’d bolt? It hadn’t occurred to me until I sensed their careful efforts in my regard.
"Please take off your shirt and bra." Kalamata asked. For the tenth time that day, I took off my top. I should have just paraded from office to office without it. It would have saved me time.
He palpated my breast, yet again. I hadn’t been felt up as much since I was surrounded by a bunch of boys in Junior High. "We’re going to have to take a biopsy." He said.
"What? Now?" I said, trying not to sound panicked.
"Yes. The person that normally does the biopsies is not here today, so I will do it. We don’t want to wait." Why? Why not wait?
"Don’t worry. It won’t hurt." He continued.
"I’m a big chicken when it comes to pain." I said. "You’ll be fine. I can see you’re a smart woman, and in control. You’re not afraid of a small needle."
"Yes, I am. And that’s not a small needle...." He advanced toward me, needle held high. I did want to bolt then. Oh yes. I wanted to get out of Dodge, without my clothes. Breasts flapping in the wind, for all to see. I didn’t care. But the image made me laugh and that gave him time to pin me down. He was right. It didn’t hurt when he inserted it, but it did, when he dug around. Still, it was bearable. He showed me the slide after he prepared it. A bit of opaque liquid, between two pieces of glass. In there sat my destiny.
"Okay. Get dressed and come into my office." I looked over to the nurse who nodded in encouragement. The knot in my stomach tightened.
I saw my films on the light box, not that I had any experience with mammogram film. I walked right over to them. I saw the lump right away, and what I saw, I didn’t like. It had a starburst shape, without a definite margin. A comet tail seem to come out of it and stretch across the other side of my nipple. I didn’t know much, but I knew that not having a clear margin was bad.
I sat down. He looked at me and said, "We have to wait for the biopsy, but from what I see here, I think we need to move on this quickly."
"Based on your experience, does this look cancerous?" I asked.
"Of course, it’s not definite, but yes. It appears to be so. I’d like to schedule a mastectomy."
"Mastectomy? Why not a lumpectomy?"
"We have to remove too much tissue for a lumpectomy." He got up ans showed me on the film. He traced where he would have to traverse behind the nipple and how much would have to be removed. "We can schedule the surgery today, then if the biopsy comes back clean, we can cancel." I said nothing. "It’s always easy to cancel, but harder to schedule."
"Okay." I said. I would research this and decide, but as he said, I could always cancel later. He continued to explain. His tone was soothing. He told me that breast cancer, caught early, is eminently treatable, and not to worry too much. I would be fine.
I thanked him and stepped out of his office, right into Barbara, who was standing there with a strained look, trailing her document carry-all behind her. She must have come here straight from the city. She looked winded. Surprised, I greeted her and then hugged her. "C’mon. Let’s go. I’ll update you on the way home." And I did.
©2006 Annelise Pichardo
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